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Falling in love is an amazing and important experience. It consumes us and that’s exactly the feeling we are looking for; to merge back into oneness with another person and to feel that nothing else matters. Those moments of connection that bring meaning into our lives.

This magical encounter rekindles our longing to belong to someone deeply and that this other person belongs to us. It’s almost inexplicable what exactly attracts us to a particular woman or man, and maybe that is precisely what turns us into unconscious love zombies where it’s ‘lights out’ and our vision becomes blurred.

It may be interesting to pause for a moment and inquire. Maybe for the sake of being truthful to ourselves or our partners, maybe for the sake of taking responsibility for those moments of unconsciousness and it’s consequences, and maybe just for the sake of sheer curiosity into understanding how our minds work. We may find signs that can reveal precious information to us about what we’re looking for, desire, or run away from.

It’s worthwhile taking a moment and became aware of some red lights that may be true about your current love relationship or look back at some relationships from the past or new ones that are forming right now. Not necessarily in order to end or change them, but rather to create conscious choice and less projection into them.

Here are a few of these red lights that can provide insight into the deeper dynamics behind what we call ‘love’.

I love your potential

Potential is something everyone has. There is a sincere longing in most people to manifest that potential, but on the path of life, there may be innumerable circumstances and misunderstandings that won’t allow us to realize it.

It is beautiful to recognize someone’s potential but to build a relationship based on it is a wild bet at best. Even more than that, if that potential is not realized, we will usually feel disappointed because the love for it also carried the expectation and even the demand for its manifestation.

You challenge me to grow

Suddenly there is someone out there who doesn’t allow us to find the easy way out, but demands from us to give our best and try harder. Who doesn’t want someone to believe in us? In most cases, this need to push another originates from one’s own need for something ‘more in ourselves’.

However, once the challenge has been taken and accomplished we no longer have the need for that person to push us and the relationship lacks that urgency for change.

I can learn so much from you

Finding a teacher in a partner is a tricky thing. We want and can learn from one another, but when one is the teacher and the other the student, the relationship becomes imbalanced. One partner becomes superior and the other inferior, the teacher is leading the relationship and the other is following. A strong form of dependence is created.

In most cases, the teacher doesn’t take his or her partner seriously and subsequently, the mutual respect is hurt. The student can feel the imbalance and won’t feel good enough. Over time, once more matured, the student will look for a more balanced partnership.

I love someone much older or younger than me

Love can cross many boundaries and age is one of them. When there is a large age gap it also means that one has already lived significant life stages while the other has not. Having a family is one such significant life experience. In order for partnerships to work, it is important that both can look forward into a joint future, which usually means having children. And for older partners, this means being ready to start over again, while for the younger it’s critical to respect the past the older partner is coming with into the relationship.

You are a special person

Who doesn’t want to feel special? We all do and yet it is maybe one of the most common relationship traps. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve met” is a common sentence when we’re in love, and yet, come on. It is a way for us to feel special by being with such a special person, but time does its thing, we sober up and begin meeting the ordinary person our partner is.

Wanting and often manipulating the relationship to stay special by way of idealization is a sure way to stay blind to who our partner is and to mature love. It is actually quite the contrary, a deep love needs to acknowledge the ordinariness both bring into the partnership and find the love and care that wants to nourish this ordinariness by moving through the ups and downs of life.

‘I love your quirks’ and ‘I love you back because you love them’

You surely know the personality traits of your partner that you found so cute and different at the outset of the love affair. Maybe it was an obsession with detail or the awkwardness in talking to people. In any case, it is only a matter of time until the quirk will create a division between your partner and yourself.

What we call quirks is often a distortion in our personality and often creates pain for ourselves and others. Seeing one another for who we really are is an act of love rather than using each other for a momentary good laugh.

Our values and cultural backgrounds are not important; our love can withstand everything

It is a high aspiration for us all to move beyond religion, traditions, beliefs, languages or any other defining characteristics. Yet our cultural upbringing does define us. It gives us a large part of our identity and sets us apart from others. Often cultural differences within the same country can impact a relationship. Our background in many ways is our parents and as much as we want to break free, we are deeply connected to our roots.

A love that discards those difference dismissed what we deeply love, and that is our family and cultural heritage. Even if we call it a blind love, it still is love. Respecting our love for what is familiar keeps us humble to what is true to us, instead of using idealism to look away at what sets us apart.

No doubt that these difference are meaningless on a deeper level and as spiritual beings, but still need to be met with respect and awareness.

Our intimacy creates such strong connection

The sexual chemistry between two people is a substantial and important connecting force. We can be blinded by strong sexual attraction and chemistry, and label it as love. Good sex or intimacy can point to physical and emotional needs that are fulfilled, and at the same time, we need to ask ourselves if other areas of the relationship are working well too. Intimacy often serves as an escape to dealing with our inner complexities and fear when it comes to relating to another person while giving the impression that a deep connection is present.

Published on Collective Evolution